George Carey denies involvement. Pope Benedict mum as well
Akinola: "No comment"
A tornado formed by gigantic currents of hot and cool air colliding with each other touched down in north London Thursday, causing severe damage and injuring at least six people. Officials immediately turned to some of the largest known purveyors of hot air as the most likely suspects to have caused or at least contributed to the tornado.
"We have zeroed in on a few individuals," a Disaster Relief of Lower London junior minister said. "They emanate large volumes of superheated nonsense on a regular basis. On the basis of these high volumes and on reports that the faces of these individuals were seen in the tornado just as it touched down we are pursuing further inquiries."
While the DROLL minister would not classify the suspects as buffoons or name them, other reports point to the suspects as George Carey, Pope Benedict, and Peter Akinola, who was last seen fleeing from reporters when he was in America recently. Suspicions naturally turned to them because the three are commonly in the vicinity when upended lives, flying objects, and wholesale destruction are evident.
The tornado caught London by surprise, but many climatologists point out that there is little cause for alarm since a tornado touching down in London is simply part of a regularly occurring 15 billion year cycle of the destruction of all matter. We are now nearing the peak of the destruction part of the cycle, they said.
Those in the storm, were less sanguine.
Just before 11am in a fashionable part of north London, Caroline Hill, a freelance writer, thought the apocalypse had come. Sitting at the front window of her home writing about the benefits of complementary therapy, she looked up to see the sky turn black. "I dived under my desk and started screaming hysterically," she said. "I had my arms over my head. I heard the windows shatter. I thought George Leonard Carey, Baron Carey of Clifton, the 103rd Archbishop of Canterbury and a gigantic purveyor of hot air, was outside my door making more divisive statements about Rowan Williams."
Not quite Carey but close--it was the grey tornado, taller than a house, spewing debris and roaring like a jet, heading straight for her. Hill's neighbor, Margaret Wallace , says she saw the mitred, cackling head of Peter Akinola in the very middle of the cloud.
"I had never heard of this man before he made this tornado touch down in my street, truth be told, " Wallace said. "I will probably forget about him soon."
Homeowners barely had time to lock their windows and shut doors before cars were blown across the street, tiles smashed windows and garage roofs peeled off like "lids on tins of baked beans."
One shopkeeper described the tornado as "like the Wizard of Oz, except the wizard is George Carey and he's not kind and Oz is England and there are no witches except for on a few streets in Glastonbury."
"The sky turned black, the air grew cold, and we heard rude comments about Rowan Williams--it was like being in a movie about the sermons of George Leonard Carey, Baron Carey of Clifton, the 103rd Archbishop of Canterbury and a gigantic purveyor of hot air," said another victim.
Sally Johns, an estate agent, said: "I'm just so shaken up. I thought the whole office was going to be lifted off the ground and we were going to be dropped in the middle of a church where George Leonard Carey, Baron Carey of Clifton, the 103rd Archbishop of Canterbury and a gigantic purveyor of hot air, was prattling on. Thank the Lord we were only dropped in front of Bangor Cathedral in Wales, where Carey can't go because the Dean has banned him.
"There was so much damage in such a short space of time," her neighbor Roberts Cyfe-Wyldon said. "Northwest London is not the place where you expect this to happen because George Leonard Carey, Baron Carey of Clifton, the 103rd Archbishop of Canterbury and a gigantic purveyor of hot air, wouldn't be caught dead in this part of town."
Akinola did not confirm or deny that he may have caused the tornado and would not comment on the fact of tornados existing. Investigators began to look into his complicity after hearing reports of a devilish face in the cloud and after discovering that he had strongly promoted a new law in Nigeria called "In Support of
Destructive Weather touching down in heavily populated areas of the Global North, particularly London."
A spokesman for Akinola said Akinola's support for the law has been misconstrued, because not all destructive weather has to touch down, and out of the destruction, come large sources of money.
Pope Benedict has been under investigation as well, but since he only recently returned from barnstorming Turkey and other countries whose culture he has made fun of, investigators believe that he may have dissipated enough hot air in those parts of the world to keep the rest of us safe for the moment.
The Daily Mail
has its own reporting on the tornado and its aftermath.