Admiral of Morality: The Mail

Monday, December 18, 2006

The Mail

My good Admiral: Admiral, I am almost breathless as I write this. Have you heard about the churches in Virginia leaving the Episcopal Church? From what I read in the paper The Episcopal Church is on the verge of breaking up and the only thing left to do is what those churches did, and...Admiral, I admit some confusion. What did those churches do?What does it all mean? Signed, Mrs. Winfred Taylor Jones, Clearborn, Ohio

Madam: Thank you for your timely letter. The churches in Virginia, after decades becoming more and more evangelical, have decided that they are far too conservative and evangelical for the Episcopal Church. Some within the churches, and their friends, claim that they stand where they have always stood, and that where they stand, is true Episcopalianism. If the Episcopal Church has changed, a close look at these churches reveals that so have these parishes, by very wide degrees indeed. One of them is proud of the fact that President George Washington served on the vestry, back when it was still an Episcopal Church. Alas, it is doubtful that President Washington would recognize or even worship in that same church today much less bother to stand for vestry, given how widely it has veered from its Anglican moorings and how eagerly it embraces a blurring of the boundaries between faith, politics, and good taste. But that is neither here nor there--back to your question of, what does it all mean? I believe, Madam, that it means that in the United States of America, one is guaranteed the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ must be no bar to this. That is, if one cannot find life, liberty and happiness in his own church because it does not give him what he wants on demand, then he is free to declare the wider church idiotic, and henceforth announce his need for instant gratification using fine turns of phrase, long-winded justifications, poor excuses, and elaborate constructs with little if any bearing to reality, and always with this precept in mind: "Give me what I want now." In short, Madam, it means that the curious American phrase "My way or the highway" is alive and well in Virginia, to the detriment of the Good News of the Lord Jesus Christ. If I may be so bold, Madam, may I suggest, that you continue to attend church, and work, pray and give for the spread of the Kingdom of God? Yours, The AoM

My good Admiral: I saw recently on the telly that the ABC was in Rome meeting with the Pope and praying with the other Romans. It seems a very odd choice to me given how deep rooted it all already is there. It seems a lost cause. Does the ABC really believe he will be able to convince the Pope and his men of the need to repent with so short a visit? After being educated on the Romish abuses by The DaVinci Code I wonder whether the Pope shouldn't scrap it all and begin again? And mightn't the ABC be better served by traveling to other parts of the world more in need of a strong Christian man of principle and example, like Scotland and large swaths of South Carolina. Signed, Mrs. Alice N. Halmshir, Aylsebridge-on-Derwent

Madam: While it is indeed taut and often convincing, I am afraid that The DaVinci Code is a work of fiction, so we mustn't base what the ABC should or should not do on this or any other fiction. That being said, I do admire his willingness to pursue closer relations even with those who at times point to him in order to further their own paths and desires. The ABC seems to seek and want better relations for no other purpose than for the sake of closer and better relations. Whether this is reciprocated by the pope or anyone else, does not in the least appear to dilute his desire for it or his work towards it. As you say, such a man and sentiment would be welcome in many parts of the world. Yours, The AoM

My good Admiral: I write to you on behalf of the Reformed Episcopalians Embracing Kairos (REEK). It has come to our attention, that you, sir, willfully and regularly [redacted for exceeding bandwidth]. What do you propose to do about this, sir? How do you propose to satisfy us? Time is short, He comes like a thief, and all those with ears to hear will listen. Signed, Andrew Coffmans, on behalf of The REEK

Gentlemen: Your learned and lengthy, even sleepy, dissertation, is not compelling. Yours, The AoM


Blogger MadPriest said...

Dear Admiral
I have it on good authority that the Rapture has happened. Unfortunately, with the exception of a small tribe of nomadic, yak herders on the Tibetan Plateau who have completely disappeared off the face of the earth, it seems to have had no effect on the general population, whatsoever.
My question, sir, is "How can so many people, many of them with their own television stations, have got it so wrong?"
Your faithful inferior,

12/18/2006 05:02:00 PM  
Blogger Leonardo Ricardo said...

El Almirante más Cortés y Sabio,

As I was doing my walk-like-I-talk down deep into the valley of the shadow of misfits it suddenly occured to YO that me and my fellow round peggers/square holers and our counsins the square/holers/round peggers would no longer be welcome to worship at St. Square Pegs y Square Holes (known just south of Redondo Falls as St.True Holes) this exculsion seemed extra "odd" to me, and since I've been excessively "odd" most of my life, one wonders and I was particulary disoriented. Might I say I was a tad miffed-o at the notion that there will no longer be a chicken in every peg nor a cheery tree in every hole for me and mine.

Please reassure me it's all just plain ol' down in dixieland stink'n think'n and the new fangled Niger'n hole-in-one-way edick has noth'n to do with who puts there pegs and squares anywhere else at all!

I remain Confused under the Xippotenango Volcan esta noche even if my mind is filled with visions of Earthly and Heavenly delights.

Your Loyal Subjected (feel'n a little rejected),

Bruce, Hector, Leonardo Ricardo de Gonzalez-Smith Clarke Glick el Segundo

Burro Presidente

12/19/2006 09:39:00 PM  

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