Admiral of Morality: From the Mailbag

Friday, November 03, 2006

From the Mailbag


My Good Admiral: As Deputy Vice-Committeeman of the Concerned Laymen Against Noncompliant Generations (CLANG) it is my fervent prayer that I may impose on you to steer others towards our critical new project: the “inclusion” (no matter how absurd the term) in Episcopal Church website materials, of our own materials designed to showcase the rank apostasy and backsliding of this Institution, or as it is known in many parts, the Thrift Shop. To this end and to entice you into our fellowship, I invite you at your leisure, to peruse the following pamphlets we have developed sola Scriptura for inclusion at the Episcopal Church home page:
(1) “Come and grow….in knowledge of Gehenna.”
(2) “You went to Jesus, and all you got was this lousy church? Read on, brother.”
(3) “Click here for more apostasy: The Episcopal Home Page as Golden Calf, 1999-2003.”
(4) “The enemy: Or, How to Google Bomb your Rector.”
(5) “The Millennium Development Goals as Unrepentant Sin: A Brief Primer.”

Signed, Leon Mowns, Deputy Vice-Committeeman, The CLANG

Sir: You have given me much food for thought. I must admit I am somewhat confused by your group’s mission. I understand from your letter you wish to have included on the Episcopal Church home page, materials attacking the Church? You might consider the logic of such a request, and the likely reply. Please write again; under separate cover I will return the materials you have sent me. Yours, The AoM


My Good Admiral: I apologize for writing to you with a request so soon after my previous letter asking that you intervene to have my son transferred from his ship, the USS Patrick, to a base closer to our home. I must confess Admiral, to be rather interested in this new Presiding Bishop of ours, the Lady Katharine Jefferts-Schori. The point of my writing--Admiral, might you spare two tickets to her investiture this Saturday? Signed, Mrs. H. Matterson

Madam:
I am glad you write about ++Katharine. I too find her interesting and believe she will make a fine, even great, Presiding Bishop. She will be the lone woman primate; but she will not be alone. Alas, Madam, I am at sea, and have no way to forward you my tickets on such short notice. We will both have to be content with watching the streaming video of the investiture. Yours, The AoM



My Good Admiral: It is with quiet resignation that I write to update you on the status of your soul. We have never met but as Rector of [ redacted] in the orthodox Episcopal Diocese of [ redacted ] I assure you I may be trusted to communicate to you the full truth on this score…..[redacted for exceeding bandwidth]. Signed, GH, Rector of [redacted]

Sir:
I thank you for your lengthy, learned and heartfelt consideration of my soul. I point out that despite all this, the name on my lips at my passing will be not yours, but that of the Lord Jesus Christ, since it is by His grace and mercy alone that salvation was won. Kindly include me in your prayers, as I shall you, in mine. Yours, The AoM

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